We are in the thick of transition. Adding a third child to our family has challenged me beyond what I expected. Truthfully, I mistakenly put all my heart and emotions into the moment and did not think a lot about what life would be like after bringing sweet Bereket home. I am normally a very relaxed, laid back person, and I have seen that person disappear in the last month. I feel like I'm in a fog, very fatigued, not sleeping well, pit in my stomach, and fearing the future, etc. I am getting help from my Dr. because I know that at least 65% of adoptive parents experience post-adoption depression and if it goes untreated, it can truly take a toll on your life and your family. Coming off of a year and a half of various highs and lows in the adoption process, then taking a trip to Ethiopia and meeting our child and her birth parent and then re-entering to a life with three kids under 4, has truly been too much and I've experienced what the experts call an "emotional let down." Going from months of very intense emotions, to finally settling into life without extremes (though it feels like it right now) is difficult for my brain to cope with.
My children are doing much better than I am. The boys are truly smitten by their sister and want her attention, and Bereket, though a bit anxious, is happy and sleeping and eating well (though Mark could do without the night feedings...but he's an incredible trooper and I'm beyond lucky to have a guy who will get up with their baby every night). He's exhausted though too.
I share this because often when one looks at a blog, they see the romanticized fantasy of life. If it weren't for other adoptive parents who have shared their struggles with me via their blogs and in person, I would likely try to brush my feelings off (though I'm not sure how because they are overwhelming!) or feel quite ashamed that I'm experiencing post-adoption depression. I want others who are on the journey to know that it is normal, though very painful and overwhelming, but there are people who can help. At the moment, it doesn't feel like this will ever end--that I'll ever be 'myself' again, but I have to hope that I will because others say it will end. Right now, I'm just trying to get through today.
28 comments:
thank you for sharing..love you..praying for you
I think we touched on it in our emails the other day. I love ya. I think its important for women to share the REAL griefs and struggles of every day life. Its hard when we are so critical of ourselves and sometimes feel judged by other mom's that 'seem' to have it all together. ;) They don't. Nobody does. :) xoxo Can't wait to see you this weekend.
Thanks for your honesty. Let the dark stuff out . . . it makes room for the light!
Sarah, I'm so glad you shared this yet I'm sorry you're going through this. You're such a great mother, and I'm glad that you've recognized this current setback and am getting help for it! I hadn't ever heard of post-adoption depression, so it's good education for me (and others) reading your blog...
Sarah, I know these feelings exactly! You've read my blog, you know I've gone nuts. :) Feel free to send me an email if you want. I know how hard three under four is!!!!
I know I am personally SO thankful for moms like you and Jamey who share their hearts on these issues. I know that if/when I deal with the same stuff... I am NOT alone and there ARE people out there who feel the same way and can help me through it too! Thanks for being honest and know you are in our thoughts!
Ditto the other comments about sharing. We just returned from Africa on Friday after adopting our little boy. It seems to me that we have been in an alternate universe and coming home still seems weird. I am sorry that you are struggling, but am so glad that you are sharing your struggles with us. My prayers are with you!
We just got home and the reality is so not living up to the dream. I forgot that real life involves diapers and cooking and mess and tears and sleeplessness. Thanks for posting this...
Hugs Sarah! Thinking of you lots and lots!! And hopeful you'll see the light much sooner than you anticipate. love ya.
Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry you're having a rough go right now. I can relate to all your feelings very well—when we came home with Sidamo I went through something very similar. Unfortunately, I was completely ashamed of my feelings and kept telling myself I should feel lucky, overjoyed, smitten. Instead I felt horribly anxious, irritable, and resentful much of the time. I wish I had had the presence of mind you have to get some help and share your feelings with others. Of course you know it will pass, but keep on taking care of yourself (and letting others like your wonderful husband) take care of you while you get situated in your new normal. And remember that you WILL feel joy again! Lots of it.
Thank you for the honesty, Sarah. Sending lots of hugs and positive vibes your way!
Sarah - thank you for being so honest!! Your attitude is so healthy and it reminds me that it's OKAY to ask for help when you need it! We all need to do that more often - God doesn't give us more than we can handle (but it doesn't mean that expects us to do it all alone - he comes to us in the form of helping hands here on earth when we need it most). Much love to you all - Jen L.
I carry you in my heart right now, friend.
I love you and am so glad you are getting help through this time. And I am proud of you for sharing since SO many other AP's share in what you are feeling but think they are alone. I hope to see you soon and am here for you at all hours....
I am SO glad you wrote this. Aren't you? This is my second comment to you reference this because I had to peek in on what others were writing and hoped you were getting some positive feedback. I'm thankful you are. :) Don't you feel lighter and prayers falling down upon you? Hope so! Its funny...in middle school when we'd lay out back on the trampoline and talk future's and goals and dreams and husband's and kid's I don't think either one of us realized around all the glory somebody still have to cook, clean, entertain bebe's and all the rest and still manage to get some sleep in here or there. :) Just remember, its NOT a one woman show...you have help in all forms out there, even if its just in all these fantastic words of support. See you Sunday!
Sarah,
Thank you for your honesty here. I think it is something that almost everyone in this process can relate with to some degree or another. You're so right, there are so many emotional ups and downs, and it's a bit of a shock to come back to reality. I'm rooting for you and praying for you over here!
Sarah, thanks for this post. Blogs indeed make life appear a bit rosy, so thanks for your honesty. It is good to know your Dr is helping you. Praying for this depression to end soon and for you to feel like your new/normal self again.
Thanks for keeping it real. Post Partum and Post Adoption Depression are very real, very scary, and not fun! Women need to be honest and help each other through these things. Just because you're having a hard time doesn't mean you don't love your babies! Hang in there - it will get better.
Sarah, I've always found that over the last 38 years of having kids, my own and daycare the a strict schedule was best for all of us. Kids thrive on having a schedule they can count on and rely on. I knew when times were getting tuff I only had to make it until the schedule says nap or quiet time. All children need a time to be alone that is quiet and theirs. I also put 3 mo old babies on this same schedule because I know that is my refueling time. I don't answer questions, or get them water at this time all is done before resting. Hope this helps. I'm sure you know all of this. At least you know where your beautiful children grew up and got their looks from. We were let forward on a lie for 18 years and then to flip it completely around was a shocker. The agency said don't worry there is a big ocean between the two families. Just remember kids don't always say my mom is the happiest mom but they sure remember when she is upset with them. You have a very supportive husband as I do and a great family. Sit back and let the house go and hug your 3 little blessing from God. Take care Candy
love this post. it IS hard. super hard. i'm glad you saw your doctor and are very aware of what's going on. that's half the battle right there. it takes a while for your new normal to feel good, and until it does you can certainly experience all kinds of yuck. i hope the next few weeks get better and better.
Thank you for sharing, Sarah. It is hard to be 'real' about the struggles of parenthood because we believe it is supposed to be so magical and when it gets hard we blame ourselves. I haven't had post adoption depression b/c I haven't adopted but I have had (I still do have) post partum depression and it just sucks. We judge ourselves so harshly for feelings that are often beyond our control.
There is nothing to be ashamed of - you are helping to de-stigmatize depression by being open about it. That's something you can feel good about.
Sarah,
I just wanted to let you know that I understand completely the emotions that you are experiencing right now. You are not alone in what you're going through... it's normal. I will be praying for you and your husband.
XOXO
Sarah
Hang in there! I know this such a challenging time... but I will be home soon and excited to help however I can. Love you guys!!
xoxo
H
Sarah,
I'm so sorry that things have seemed so overwhelming lately. I've been thinking about you guys a lot recently, and wondered how everything was going. Parenting truly is the hardest job in the world, and although the rewards can be spectacular, the day to day challenges can be so, so hard.
I'm not certain that what I've been going through can rightly be categorized as post-adoption depression because the loss of my mom / family really compounded things for me, but I can absolutely relate to the emotionality of it all and the heartbreaking sadness of realizing that the fantasy is just not to be.
Even so, I know that you are an amazing mother and a courageous, strong woman. I have such a deep admiration for who you are and all that you do to make the lives of your children, family, and friends special.
I think that you know I am thinking about you, but I wanted to say it again, just in case.
Thank you for being honest, vulnerable and transparent Sarah! Know that you are loved, I am proud of you for being willing to address your true emotions and figure out how to work through them (rather than brush them off - dealing is harder) - sending you guys a HUGE hug!!!! xoxo, Anya
thank you so much for sharing this Sarah. It is a very real part of the adoption process... for all the crazy emotions one goes through on the journey, there is a very dark side as well. you have tons of love and support all around, and you will get through it all. wishing you peace
thinking and praying for you. Thank you for being so open and honest, I have no doubts it will help future APs immeasurably. Love to you.
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