Mixed Feelings

Well, it's almost 3pm on Friday afternoon. It's still possible that it could be today, but seems a bit late.

I am excited, but also feeling nervous. When we went through our first adoption process I remember feeling so much eager anticipation for our referral call. I daydreamed about what the call would be like and played it over in my mind a hundred times before the call actually came. I expected pure elation, and when the call came at 10:13 am Friday, April 27th, it was a surreal and dreamy experience to first frantically scroll through the multi-page referral document and gaze into our son's eyes and see his beautiful face, but I did not anticipate the immense sadness that would soon accompany the excitement as I read through his story. Of course, I knew cerebrally that any child who is in a position where they are going to be adopted, has to have experienced incredible loss, but it smacked me right in the face when it became personal. Without divulging any details of Ashen's story (because we've chosen to keep his early life story private for him to share if/when he's ready) I was just very naive to the depth of grief, loss and sadness involved in adoption. I know it well now, and carry that grief for and with my son, and soon with his sister.

With that in mind, I know better now to anticipate the grief that will accompany the joy. It doesn't make the referral call any less momentous, important and anticipated--but it is not all roses.

Good News

I spoke with our agency's Ethiopia director yesterday who just returned from visiting their programs in Ethiopia. She told me that they were in the process of putting together referral paperwork for a group of children--including baby girls!! She expected to have the paperwork within "ohhhhh, the next week"!!!

I know better than to get my hopes up too much in international adoption, but this is about as sure of a thing as I've gotten in the last year in terms of an impending referral. I honestly am having a really hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that this is truly going to happen. I have been in a state of limbo in which my mind has tried to convince my heart that this adoption is never going to happen, that we will never have a daughter from Ethiopia, that we might as well withdraw. True. With this news, my heart is starting to soften and I am beginning to believe again and I cannot wait to hear all the news!

I expressed my concerns about the lag in referrals for the last few months--assuring her that I'm not eager to get a referral if children aren't already in care, but my issue lies in kids being in care for longer than necessary due to a slow down in putting together paperwork. I hope our daughter and other children have not been waiting in the care centers for very long. She said she thought they were behind on paperwork for the last few months which was the reason for the slow down in referrals...ugh. Of course, I know there is a lot going on there on many different fronts, so I cannot judge, but my heart hurts for any child staying an extra day without their family to love on them.

I'm oddly less anxious with this news than I was not knowing any news. I am not fixated on my phone and feel much more peace. I am not a good "no info" waiter.

Of course, I'll be keeping everyone posted as soon as our phone rings!

Wordless Wednesday

Spent

After dropping Mark at work after Torin's 2 year old Dr. visit (he's 37.5" and 36 lbs!), the boys and I headed over to one of our favorite rock throwing spots to decompress after a long week. Both Mark and I are feeling spent for a variety of reasons, and it always rubs off on the kids if we're not on top of our games. I am thrilled that I booked a little weekend getaway for us for March and it can't come soon enough. We really need a 'break' and some time alone. We haven't spent a night away from our kids--ever, unless you count the one night we were in the hospital after Torin was born. It is time. Back to today--the sun was shining and it was so pleasant to sit and look out across the water while watching my boys try not to hit each other with their very erratic throwing techniques.

Still no "call"and it is mid-Friday afternoon...another weekend without knowing our daughter's name and seeing her face. Always hoping for next week...

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Wondering

Who are you, sweet baby girl?
What is your name?
Who named you and what is the significance?
What do you look like?
What do your parents look like?
Whose eyes do you have?
Were you born at home?
Where is your home?
What time of day were you born?
Were you early?
How long was your mother's labor?
What was your birthday?
Who cut your umbilical cord?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
What tribe are you part of?
What was the first language whispered in your ear?
How long you were with your mom or dad?
Why couldn't they care for you?
Who cared for you the moment you left their arms?
Who hugged you as you cried and wiped away your tears?
Who you rocked to sleep the first night you were without them?
When did you smile again?
Who is your favorite nanny?
Do you know I already love you more than you can imagine and think of you all day?

Sweet baby girl, hang tight. All we want is to know you and be with you. We pray that it is soon.

Love,
Your mama

Superbowl I

Guess who are (kinda) watching their first Superbowl? Wrestling included.

Funny Dinner Conversation

Last night, we had an amusing conversation at dinner. We ordered a new mattress (for us) yesterday and were telling Ashen and Torin that they can't jump on the bed anymore because they might break it (we think they caused a few springs to fail on our current one, which leaves an unsupported area that's a back breaker while sleeping). Anyway, Ashen had a concerned look on his face and asked if they could still jump on the small beds (cribs) and we said no because they are getting too big for that now. Looking disappointed and confused, Ashen asked, "But, I, I, I need to get my exercise!" We resolved this exercise issue by telling him we might get a small trampolene so he could continue to exercise. Ashen's concerns were alleviated.

#1

I'm on the edge of my seat and have been for over a month. We are at the top of the waiting list. Numero uno. We have been in that position for about a month now. It is an exciting and anxiety-ridden place to be. Every phone call is possibly "the one." My heart jumps every time it rings. I try very hard not to sound disappointed to the person calling when it's not Holt. So it could be today, tomorrow, next week or not for a month (or more). Knowing that any day we will see our daughter's face for the first time gives me perspective, but I have my moments. Adoption is so emotional.

We are fairly sure that she's in care at Holt already and probably has been for a little while. They have been working on some transitions to a new facility for the elementary aged children in the program, and thus the staff have been very occupied with that move and apparently haven't been able to get to all the paperwork involved in putting together referral information. Uggh. I understand, but I sure hope she doesn't have to be in care longer than necessary.

Celebrating 2orin

Happy Birthday Superman Torin!

The morning started early (5:20a) with shouts from his room, and proceeded with daddy taking him to pick up croissants and a big helium football balloon (and coffee for the adults) while Ashen slept "in" until 6:30. He's currently sitting with his brother watching his favorite show, Curious George, snuggled up with his balloon. Ashen, feeling a bit jealous about the attention on his brother, and especially the prized balloon, just asked, "Mom, is my birthday going to be in three minutes?"

Just as surprised as we (especially me without any meds) were that he was 9.5 lbs at birth, when we were expecting a 7-8 lb baby, this boy continues to be bigger in personality, ability and size than we ever expected! What a character this fellow is! As is our tradition, here is a snapshot of him at TWO (in random order):

* Loves kicking and throwing balls and is unusually talented in making contact with the ball
*Sings throughout his day--sometimes songs we recognized, other times his own tune. Does not have good tone (gets this from his parents)
* Speaks in full sentences--7-8 words sentences are no biggie for him
*Puts his hand up and asks (commands) people to "stop looking at him" when they are standing close to him/observing him
*Favorite foods are pizza, spaghetti, macaroni, blueberries (and every other type of berry and fruit), eggs, sweets--but will eat most things
*Favorite toys: Fire truck, plasma car, cars of any kind, balls, his baby doll, the kitchen sink
*Loves digging in the dirt. Recently discovered worms and can spend a long time digging them up and transferring them from one raised garden bed to another
*Tries to "ride a bike" though it is much to big for him and he cannot reach the pedals. Always trying to push his limits
*Is exploring imaginary play: likes to drive his plasma car around the room, picking up "sandwiches" and "hotdogs" for me to eat. Pretends he's refueling his plasmacar with a fuelpump in the wall.
*Very (very!) strong-willed and independent
*Easily amused, even if the "comedian" (ie. me or dad) are not really very funny
*A budding artist. Has great flare for color combinations and making artwork that truly looks great

Life lived with Torin is pure joy. We are so thankful he is part of our family and can't wait to see what new discoveries the coming year brings in his life. Two things we'r sure of: he'll be a fantastic big brother to his baby sister, and he and Ashen will continue to giggle and make mischief!

Mama loves you, Torin!

The Happiest Place on Earth

February 1st?!? Sorry for the long hiatus last month. Between the Haiti earthquake (and my subsequent blogger apathy) and our trip to Florida, I was seemingly MIA.

We spent last week basking in the sunny skies Orlando (and running ourselves ragged). Mark had a conference, so we decided to take advantage of the opportunity and create a family vacation. My sister in law, Heidi, kindly came too and lent her much needed hands to our crazy days. Over the course of the week we played several days at the hotel pools, which included a giant pirate ship with slides. I think the boys would say that swimming was the highlight of their week. Both of them could walk throughout most of the pool since it was only about 3' deep in most places. They also loved the "hot bath" (hottub) when things got too cool.


They enjoyed lazy afternoons on the balcony, looking off into the distance at a blimp and licking icicles (popcicles made with water--hehe).


We spent two days at Seaworld, which was fairly nostalgic for me since it was the highlight of my California roadtrip family vacation in 1987. Favorites were petting the manta rays, going through the shark tunnel and the dolphin and Shamu show. Though he's only three, Ashen is quite tall--tall enough to ride his first rollercoaster. Though I regretted taking him the moment we hit the first crest and I saw his terrified face, it was over in 30 seconds and he later declared that he "loved rollercoasters" and begged to go on one the next day at DisneyWorld. We were pretty awed by the size of this beautiful creature.


The adventure continued with a tour de Disney with a day at the Magic Kingdom and a day at the Animal Kingdom. We started off with Pirates of the Caribbean, which was very tame and the boys liked it. Then headed over to Thunder Mountain railroad where the boys and I waited to see Heidi and Mark pop out of the tunnel on "the train."



The highlight for the boys at DisneyWorld was the racetrack where they drove their own cars. We did it at least 3 times, maybe 4. Their faces say it all. Funny enough, this was my sister's favorite ride when she was a kid!
We also did a couple rounds at Buzz Lightyear, though my kids have never seen Toy Story (I think the only Disney movie they've watched is Finding Nemo, which came in very handy at the Animal Kingdom). We weren't quite sure how we were going to handle napping since the boys still take afternoon naps DAILY, and aren't normally keen on falling asleep in loud public places. But after walking from the distant parking lot to the tram, to the monorail to the park, we decided that our original idea of heading back to the hotel for naps would take most of the day. So, we winged it and Torin fell asleep both days without a problem, and Ashen fell asleep with irresistable bribes of ice cream--and slept through the entire Disney Parade which was LOUD and 10' from him. The bribes didn't work on the second day and he was crazy by the end of the day.


The Animal Kingdom had a few live shows, one being Finding Nemo, which the boys had watched several times during the trip (I brought two DVD's, that being one of them) and was really well done.


Highlights included a rafting ride in which we got soaked (notice the other two people in our raft are in ponchos).... . .An *African safari* (I have to say this lightly because I'm sure if you've never been on an African safari this might have felt like the real deal, but since I've been blessed with opportunities to go on several real safaris, this was like a ride through an open zoo). . .

And last but not least, meeting Mickey Mouse himself.


I don't really like writing these documentary(ish) posts, but I do so for the family record, and for our mamas and aunties who love them.