Early Days

Your words of understanding, compassion and encouragement blew me away. Thank you for the comments, emails, phone calls and cards. Thank you for the meals and the visits. We are surrounded by an incredible community of friends and family, and those near and far have shown me so much love in the last few weeks. A huge thank you to our parents who show us unconditional love and who "show up" ready to help. We could not have gotten this far without you.

I really thought I would be in a dark place for months, but by nothing short of a miracle, I am feeling much better already. Last Thursday, my Dr. prescribed an anti-depressant that caused such a severe reaction after taking only one pill, that together we decided that was not the right road for me. Through that experience, the 24+ hours of feeling like I could not move and my body was revolting, I realized that things could be (and were) much worse. I wanted to feel the way I was feeling the day before. The "not me" me was much better than the drug reaction me. Two and a half days later, an abrupt change occurred and I began to feel "normal" again. Nothing significant changed that would cause me to feel that way, other than getting a decent night's sleep. I needed sleep.

I'm not out of the woods yet, but the light on the other side is much brighter and I can see my way out now. I really felt lost. I have never understood the darkness and uncontrollable feelings of depression. I'm not sure now if i was truly depressed, but whatever it was, it was lonely and dark and felt like it would never end. I am already thankful for the new understanding I have, not for having experienced it, but for the compassion I now feel for those who struggle with depression.

Someone described this journey as something akin to post-traumatic stress. The road to recovery is not straight uphill. As I climb the mountain of healing, there are valleys along the way--though each valley is a little less deep. This week, I feel like I'm ascending. I know there will be a dip, but I'm praying it's not far and am thankful for having Him and so many others to fall back on.

Now onto the good stuff...and there will be more. I am inspired by one of my trave mates who has been blogging about her trip to try to blog about ours in more detail. For now, here are a few sweet shots of my kids. Torin took the first two. The second show a bit of the love between my oldest and youngest, and my middle is very close behind.

One Day at a Time

We are in the thick of transition. Adding a third child to our family has challenged me beyond what I expected. Truthfully, I mistakenly put all my heart and emotions into the moment and did not think a lot about what life would be like after bringing sweet Bereket home. I am normally a very relaxed, laid back person, and I have seen that person disappear in the last month. I feel like I'm in a fog, very fatigued, not sleeping well, pit in my stomach, and fearing the future, etc. I am getting help from my Dr. because I know that at least 65% of adoptive parents experience post-adoption depression and if it goes untreated, it can truly take a toll on your life and your family. Coming off of a year and a half of various highs and lows in the adoption process, then taking a trip to Ethiopia and meeting our child and her birth parent and then re-entering to a life with three kids under 4, has truly been too much and I've experienced what the experts call an "emotional let down." Going from months of very intense emotions, to finally settling into life without extremes (though it feels like it right now) is difficult for my brain to cope with.

My children are doing much better than I am. The boys are truly smitten by their sister and want her attention, and Bereket, though a bit anxious, is happy and sleeping and eating well (though Mark could do without the night feedings...but he's an incredible trooper and I'm beyond lucky to have a guy who will get up with their baby every night). He's exhausted though too.

I share this because often when one looks at a blog, they see the romanticized fantasy of life. If it weren't for other adoptive parents who have shared their struggles with me via their blogs and in person, I would likely try to brush my feelings off (though I'm not sure how because they are overwhelming!) or feel quite ashamed that I'm experiencing post-adoption depression. I want others who are on the journey to know that it is normal, though very painful and overwhelming, but there are people who can help. At the moment, it doesn't feel like this will ever end--that I'll ever be 'myself' again, but I have to hope that I will because others say it will end. Right now, I'm just trying to get through today.

A Lucky Dad

It is beautiful to watch a father love his children so much and to see them shine in return. He is truly a selfless man who cheerfully gives to all of us every single day.

Happy Father's Day to my beloved. I am so lucky to have you as my partner on this journey of parenthood and life.

Three Peas

Guess who likes her brothers?

And they're pretty pleased with her to0 (as long as she's not screaming, says Torin).

The Dinner Hour

A whole lot of "life" happening at our house

Two of our travel mates put together incredible slideshows of our time in Ethiopia. Each one brought me to tears. I hope you enjoy them.

Amie is a very talented photographer, here is her collection of photos documenting our children's first days with us.

Riann, also a gifted photographer, put her slideshow together of her incredible observations of Ethiopia and what she wants to remember.

10 Days

The day we met

We've been home ten days. In some ways, it feels like the longest ten days of my life, and in another small way it feels like we were just in Ethiopia. I had terrible jetlag (as usual) after our trip home and was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. A week ago, I really didn't know how I was going to make it. Even after nine trips to parts of Africa, I am still profoundly impacted by the injustice of poverty and a few things hit me very hard this time, that I did not even realize until we got home. I also had a realization: Three kids under 4?? Are we crazy!? I also was not sleeping well--up every hour at night, which felt overwhelming and made me panicky. But, I sought help from lots of sources, and low and behold, I am feeling SO much better now. Not 100%, but I'll get there.

Bereket has transitioned well so far. She is sleeping and eating well and loves her brothers (and her brothers, especially Ashen, are smitten by her). She is a very delightful baby and her smile lights up the room. We are still in the thick of transition, and haven't gotten a new rhythm yet as a family of five. Mark had the week off, which was wonderful, and it felt incredibly good to get out and do *normal* things like going to the park and the beach. We've also had lots of visits and help from family which we really feel like we couldn't have done without. If there is one thing I could re-do, it would be to plan ahead for our transition home. We were so focused on getting to Ethiopia and preparing for our boys' time without us, that we completely overlooked what we might need upon re-entry. Fortunately(!!), our families rose to the occassion, but there was a lot of unnecessary stress involved.

I haven't decided if I'm going to blog about the trip. I should, but it feels overwhelming. I hope to be able to share an incredible slideshow of photos that one of our travelmates put together. We had the perfect travel group and miss them all so much. Fortunately several of them live in our region, so we hope to be able to see them semi-regularly and already hope to have a reunion with the others.

Mark heads back to work tomorrow, but thankfully my Dad has stepped up and is spending most of the week with me. I'm so lucky. I am fearing daily life with three, but I know we'll be okay, but it may just be hard for awhile. Any of you with three kiddos, please send me a word of advice or encouragement, I need it!

Today, I'm thinking of my good friend, Cami, who is in Ethiopia, bringing her sweet girl home. Her family lives near us and we are so thankful that our daughters will have one another as they grow older. We got to meet and hold her sweet Etta while we were in Ethiopia and it was such a joy to hear this week that Cami finally has her in her arms.

Home

I'm jet-lagged and overwhelmed, but we're finally together. We had a great trip to our beautiful daughter with some fantastic travel mates. More updates to come as soon as I get some rest! Please pray for our transition to a family of five.

Introducing

Bereket Hanna
(Blessing) (Grace, Joy)

Born: November 10, 2009
Jemaya, Ethiopia