What to say and what not to say...

I'm borrowing this post from another couple's blog who recently adopted an adorable boy from Ethiopia. I thought it was insightful about respectful adoption language. I hadn't thought about this until we started this process and recognize some phrases that don't make us feel too good.

Words are extremely powerful and the way that we talk about issues such as adoption “can reflect maximum respect, dignity, responsibility and objectively about the decisions made by birthparents and adoptive parents” (from an article in Perceptive Press by Pat Johnston). Here are some examples that can help as you are talking about adoption to others:


Photo : A little girl I met in February in Ethiopia



1. When talking about a birthmother
Negative
“The birthmother is giving up her baby for adoption.”
Positive
“The birthmother has made an adoption plan for her child.”

Negative
“The birthmother has decided to keep her child.”
Positive
“The birthmother has chosen to parent her child.”

2. When talking to adoptive parents
Negative
“Do you have any children of your own?”
Positive
“Do you have any biological children?”

3. When talking to someone who was adopted
Negative
“Have you met your real parents?”
Positive
“Have you met your biological parents?”

4. When introducing adopted children to others
Negative
“This is Bill and Julie’s adopted child.”**
Positive
“This is Bill and Julie’s child.”

**Calling out the way that a child joined a family is not necessary. People wouldn’t consider saying, “This is Bill and Julie’s birth-control-failure child.”

Four Adoption Terms Defined
By Rita Law
Natural child: any child who is not artificial
Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary
Your own child: any child who is not someone else’s child
Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

What we've done so far...

To catch everyone up, I thought I'd share a little about the adoption process: What we've done so far, and what we are expecting in the coming months.

We submitted our application for adoption to Children's Home Society and Family Services (link on the side) in Minnesota in early October. Next, we found a local agency who could do our homestudy. A homestudy is a combination of visits with a social worker, a compilation of paperwork (including autobiographies of both of us, and many letters of recommendation from family and friends), and a State background check. We met with a great social worker in late October/early November and he graciously expedited the written report, finishing it within a week. That report was sent over to CHSFS for approval...it took them a week to approve it and we received word last Tuesday. The reason why we're somewhat in a rush is because I'm leaving for a work trip to Zambia on Thursday and we're hoping to be able to get on the waiting list before I left, rather than waiting until after all the holidays. Once the homestudy is approved there is another much larger set of paperwork (ie. letters from employers, the bank, the local police dept, our doctors, 2 references, etc;) that we're required to have notarized and submit...so, that's what we're working on now. Tomorrow, we'll go get everything notarized, then send off our powers of attorney to the Secretary of State's office at the capital and then when it's returned, Mark will send everything off to CHSFS. Then we'll officially be on the waiting list (aka. "Waiting for a referral")!!

There are currently about 80 families waiting for a 'referral.' A referral is another word for the picture and profile of your child. When someone receives their 'referral,' they are called by the social worker who tells them about their child and then quickly emails them a photo. As of the end of October, 150 children from CHSFS in Ethiopia have come home to their families in the USA.

We are adopting a baby under 12 months, however there are some families who adopt siblings or toddlers or older children. First time parents do not get to choose the gender of our baby (nor would we want to) so it will be a complete surprise. We'll be happy either way, though we think it will be a boy because girls are most requested by families who can choose gender.

So, once we're on the waiting list, we'll wait for at least 4-6 months (this timeframe has been changing due to the popularity of the program) to get our referral. Then we'll wait another 2 months until we can travel and pick our baby up. So, we've got a lot of waiting ahead of us. That's okay, we have a lot of learning and preparation to do in the meantime.

We are so excited about this opportunity that God's given us. We know that His timeline may be different than ours, but we have peace knowing that He's already chosen our child (or children) that we have the privilege to parent. We are also thankful for all of the resources we've already been able to tap into that will allow us to support our child. We've met 3 other couples in the area who are all adopting from CHSFS in Ethiopia, and know of 2 more families--one who just brought 2 children home and another who are adopting siblings too. So, we're looking foward to starting a family support group and also networking with our local Ethiopian community. Ethiopia has such a rich culture and heritage (it deserves a whole post of its own), so we're grateful to be able to add various aspects to our family's traditions.

We're "blogging" and adopting!

The kids above are a few of the many that I met last February on a work trip to Ethiopia. Africa's children are beautiful, passionate and full of grace. Their determination and ability to overcome unjust obstacles astounds me. They stole my heart many years ago.

When we decided to build our family through adoption, we knew that we'd want to share the exciting process with family and friends through a blog. We also (optimistically) hope that this site might become a resource for other couples who are thinking about adoption. We've included a few interesting links on the side that have been helpful to us as we explore and learn about so many aspects of adoption. We'll continue to add to these, as we also provide more details about our adoption. We're still getting the hang of blogging and html (it's a miracle I was able to add those links!)...so we'll see how this goes!