Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Positive Discipline
I've been making a concerted effort to use Positive Discipline techniques over the last year, and am currently re-reading the book. The last couple of months, probably in tandem with adding another child to our family, I noticed a lot more testing from Torin. Maybe it's just that he's 2.5, but he is seriously behaving like an aggressive two year old: pushing, hitting, throwing tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants, repeatedly getting out of bed after lights out, etc. Up until now, he's been a very 'easy' baby/toddler, though he's definitely always been on the more aggressive/physical side. I assume he's trying to find his new place in the family now that he's no longer the baby. He's receiving a lot of positive attention from me throughout the day, so I'm not sure that he feels like he's getting a lot less attention, but something is different. I'm trying to apply the positive discipline techniques, which for a two year old, mostly includes trying to distract them, but it is not working for us. Time outs do not work. Rewards do not work. We've even had 1:1 dates with both boys, and we do not notice a change in behavior after those either. I'm not sure I know what his 'currency' is. Anyone have any ideas on how to help a 2.5 year old behave appropriately?
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9 comments:
Oye. I wish I had some advice, but we are right in the middle of it ourselves. We've actually seen a bit of improvement with D, but SC is...wow. I'll let you know if I come up with anything!
hmmm.....very frustrating. i just bought the book, the 5 love languages for kids. i'll let you know what i think (next year when i finally finish it!!!). i have read the adult version and know what the kiddos are and catering to their language has really helped improve behavior, but i often forget. i'm hoping this book will put it at the front of my mind :o).
Eh...I hate to offer *advice* or tips since I hate when people think their way is the BEST way...ha ha BUT since you asked, I do have some ideas. Maybe worth a go? I'm just up for a middle of the night boy that is teething...back to bed for now but more tomorrow. Love you. You'll make it. :)
It sounds like you're doing a lot of great things to make sure the transition from being the baby is as easy as possible for him. You know your kids so well, and it's possible that right ow is just sort of a "perfect storm" of changes (i.e. Bereket joining the family, Ashen going off to preschool, etc.) and age/stage stuff. It can be so, so frustrating to deal with some of the behaviours you mentioned, but at the same time, he probably is just trying to figure out where he "fits" and what he can get away with.
I think my only "advice" is to maintain consistency (because that equals safety for little ones). I've always talked a lot about cause & effect / consequences of actions with my kids. For example, they know that if they whine about something, they definitely *won't* be getting what they want. We've never done time outs per se, but when they were younger, I would have them sit on the stairs until they calmed down when they were having a temper tantrum. That always worked really nicely because ultimately they were in control of when they came back and joined us. Now I'll send them up to their room when they're melting down, and check on them / talk to them about why their behaviour isn't okay, and what's going on with them to make them act that way.... it really works for us and most of the time they're ready to come back within a few minutes.
If transitions are hard, one thing that has helped us immensely is the Time Timer Clock:
http://www.timetimer.com/
It's basically a timer that lets kids see exactly how much time they have left for a given activity. I love it because it depersonalizes transition times (i.e. it's not time for bed because mom says so, it's time for bed because that's what the clock says). It's truly amazing how much of a difference that has made for us!
Anyway, sorry for writing a novel, and I really hope that things settle down and get easier for all of you! Hugs!
My boys are hit and miss on their mood swings and behavior issues. I have no advice. Just support! I hope you are able to find something that works. Hopefully it is just a short phase and will soon end! I feel like my boys have gone through so many phases (aggression, tantrums, anxiety, etc) and some last longer than others. Hugs mama!
Oh my! I feel your pain. We had a couple rough months (this is even pre-baby) in which I was so clueless as to what to do! I even did a couple spankings and HATED it! It left me with a terrible feeling. I read the book, Raising Your Spirited Child(http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288), which did really help. I would recommend it. There is a lot of encouragement in it. I have found with all of the rough transitions that we've come through, one day it just changes. Cora suddenly just stops those behaviors and becomes a lot easier. I guess my only advice (take with a grain of salt!!) is just to hang in there, give tons of love, act patiently and it will pass. It seems to always pass.
I sure wish there was a magical solution. Micah really let me have it at that age, and had been the word's happiest baby. He is a kid that needs to have a (strong) sense of control, so I try to give options, clear boundaries and all of that stuff the books talk about. Lots of affirmation for what he does well/right seems to have the best effect. The positivity changes the "mood/feel" of the house, which encourages his mood to improve. We also literally practice being gentle, playing with toys nicely, saying nice things to his sisters, etc. If he does a good job practicing, he gets a point, and then if I see him do it for "real" he gets more points, which add up to a special treat that he knows is waiting for him (small toy horses are his currency of choice these days). This started to connect for him at about age 3. Time outs only make him more mad. The "calm down" chair is a good idea, I'll try that. I know he can sense my stress (smell my fear) and he reacts very negatively to it. When I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, it is pretty much guaranteed he will too. No pressure right?
Oh, man, do I know the feeling! We don't have the new baby transition, which no doubt is a big one for him, but at 2 and some change E & D are testing every nerve of mine lately, as well. We have biting and hair pulling, as well as throwing toys and screechy screechy SCREAMING that drives me up the wall. And lots of ignoring me and other shenanigans. I really need to read up on the positive discipline stuff, because I am not remembering it a lot of the time. Though I do think there is going to be some drama with this age, for many kids, no matter what....
I feel your pain. I struggle with this, too. We've read a lot from the Love & Logic series that basis everything on choices the children make. So I give the G choices so he feels like he's in control - but the book doesn't say what happens when the kid doesn't pick A or B. It's so frustrating. I have to remind myself to breath and step back to see him as the tiny little person he is testing boundaries. And, oh, how he loves to test boundaries.
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