Entrusted with his story

The most frequently asked questions after letting people know about the joy of our son are about his history, birth family, reason for being available for us to adopt, etc.

Mark and I made a decision to keep his story private, not because it is shameful, but because we feel like we have been entrusted with history that does not belong to us, but to our son. It is a story of great love. We would like Ashen to learn about his story from us as he grows. It will not be a secret from him, but will be something we talk about openly from the beginning--as he's able to absorb his story, the more we'll explain. As he learns his story, he'll be able to decide what he wants to share with who--and we'll be there to help him or explain for him when he wants.

The following was included in our information about Ashenafi, which helped remind us why we were to keep his information private. Before we decided to adopt, I did not understand this mentality of privacy, but since learning what is explained below, I get it.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS – CONFIDENTIALITY REMINDER

CHSFS is releasing into your care all the information we have about your child. We understand that there is a great temptation on the part of new parents to want to share all the details of their referral with friends, family, neighbors, even with people on the internet! Adoptive parents often wait a long time for this information. They want everyone to share their joy and celebrate with them.

We would like to remind you that this information belongs to your child. In the past, sensitive and private information on adopted person was locked in vaults, not available to the adoptive parents or to the adoptee. Now, all that we know about adopted children is given to their new parents. As adoptive parents, you are the custodians of your child’s history. Your child has the right to hear his story from you, when you decide the time is right. It is up to you to protect and guard this information until such a time as your child is able to absorb it, understand it and decide what to do with it. At some point, your child may choose to share details of his birth family, his background and the circumstances surrounding his adoption plan. That information is for him to share. Until that time, we ask that you guard and protect this information.

People are very curious about adoption and all of the details surrounding the transfer of a child from one family to another. They will ask you questions about your child’s circumstances. Resist the temptation to share all that you know simply to satisfy someone’s curiosity. It is fine to say, “that is my child’s information to share someday, not mine.” Think carefully before sharing details with those who have no real need to know. Simple comments you make about your child’s health, background, history or current situation may become issues for your child in the future. Once the information is out, there is no way to put it back. You will lose control over who knows intimate, possibly sensitive details about your child’s life. You will have no control over how or where these details are used or disseminated. We are entrusting you with this information on your child. Please guard it wisely.