Alive and Well

Hello again dear blog readers!

We are coming up out of the ashes of the last six months. The fact that I'm even blogging at this moment implies that things are slowly returning to normal around here. 'Normal' is definitely new normal since the experience of cancer has changed our lives forever. We no longer innocently assume that we will live healthfully into our 90's. Each day we are alive is truly a gift, and we intend to live more purposefully and aware of moments that we want to savor and remember.

Though the fear of a recurrence will haunt us in the coming years, we intentionally strive to focus on the day at hand, rather than worry about our future. We learned that the hard way over the last six months. There were many many days when worry about the future seeped in and overwhelmed me. It struck hard from the moment we learned that cancer was a (very slight) possibility in early December. I spent several days weeping at night and in the shower, living the possibility of losing my beloved. It was awful. After I faced that, I moved on and decided to take each day as it came. It didn't come easily. Each day I had to remind myself over and over again that I would not worry about tomorrow, but only today, and today he was okay, and we were okay. There was never a time when we felt abandoned by God or totally alone. Though there were days where we felt alone in our experience, we were very supported by our friends and family, which made things so much more bearable.

There was an unsettling air in our home the last months. Between Mark feeling totally unlike himself, and me feeling stretched to compensate for what he couldn't provide, the kids were forced to adapt to a difficult situation. It was hard for them to understand why Mark was low on energy and impatient with things that never bothered him before. They certainly enjoyed seeing him more often since he took off an extra two days every other week. Over the last month there have been many days when they've asked if he could stay home from work.

Yesterday I looked through my last year's worth of photos. There was a stark contract between the first six months and the last six months. The last six months were just surviving. Our times of fun were limited, and usually involved being at the beach. There is a calm that our family feels at the beach.

We are feeling peaceful despite some unknowns. Mark had his first post-treatment CT scan last week. It was clear (!) and we are grateful.

We are grateful for so many things that went well the last six months: that Mark was diagnosed quickly and early. That he had Hodgkin's lymphoma (highly curable) and not another type of lymphoma, that we have great insurance that paid for all but a few hundred dollars of his entire treatment, for guidance we received while navigating treatment options, for our family's health during his treatment...not one cold! For all of the encouragement we received from those near and far in tangible and intangible ways. For the gift of good attitudes that gave both of us the willingness to face each day with gusto.

I don't often blog about our faith on this blog, but to be authentic about the last six months--our faith is what carried us through each day, often through moments that felt like the darkness would overshadow us. It's hard to articulate such a personal, spiritual thing, but I will try. As Christians, we don't have assurance that God will heal our illnesses or answer our prayers in the way we want. What we are sure of is that there is a beautiful life waiting for us after this one, and that Jesus is alongside us each day of this life. We never felt alone--left to despair. We had hope. Of course, our desire was (and is) for Mark to live a long life--but we know that we will both be heading to an eternity in heaven with Jesus and that gives us comfort in the unknown. Mark's strength is in God--he drew upon the foundation of faith he built over the last 15+ years. We felt the earth move under us, but we did not break. I am so thankful that we felt God's comfort, reassurance, sovereignty and love over the last six months in a way that was palpable. It makes me want to dig even deeper into my faith--because God's love was what gave us the most peace during this storm.

I really hope to revive 3+2=ONE in the coming weeks. I miss taking time to reflect on our everyday life. Life with our three kids is busy and I often collapse after putting them to bed at night, and then we are off to a new day...not taking time to relish in the special moments we have together, or vent about the more frustrating things. This blog has been that place for me to process and remember.