Too Much

"What I must do is all that concerns me. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

My life on this blog is often portrayed as rosy and perfect. I don't try to sugar-coat things, but unfortunately, it's not. I do tend to see my life as a glass 3/4 full and hopeful, which is maybe why my blog posts are often upbeat but my optimistic tendencies also tend to get me into some messes. This week my life came to a crossroads, a wake-up call of sorts. I've never had such an experience that I can recall. Nothing tragic happened, but after months of burning the candle at both ends and in the middle, I finally burned out. Like I didn't already know that being a full-time mom to two boys under 2, waking up every single night for 242 nights in a row, adding 50% more house onto our house by ourselves, taking care of most of the household duties while my husband slaves away on the house, catering meals every single night to my well-deserved work crew, building a creative new business and trying (unsuccessfully) to keep up with my friends and family was too much. Way too much. I started to get achy all over. It started in my legs. My head ached. I couldn't get comfortable.

I sat down to try to get the aches to subside and turned on Oprah. I haven't watched Oprah in nearly a year. There has been no time for Oprah in my life. Well, the show was about overwhelmed mothers who hit a breaking point and have a wake up call. The woman featured on the show had a much much much more devastating wake-up call than I. She was a teacher and on the first day of school, she put her 2 year old daughter in the car to take her to daycare before heading to work. Her husband usually did this, but he had a dentist appointment that morning. Her mind was swirling with details about work and the pressure of the first day. Her daughter fell asleep on the way, and she totally forgot she was in the car. She drove to school and went to work, forgetting that her daughter was asleep in the car. It was a sweltering day. Her daughter died. Because her mom forgot. That could be me. It could be you. Our lives are so fast paced that a mere break in the routine can cause a huge devastating mistake.

I have felt so harried lately. Trying to juggle all of the things I listed above. I often feel like I'm doing nothing well. I am ashamed to admit that before I had children of my own, I thought that stay at home moms had it well, sorta easy. I mean, they get to stay home and take care of kids, how hard can that be? Kids are fun, right? And when the kids are playing, well you can sit and drink a cup of coffee, or cruise the internet, or read a good magazine. And plus, kids nap all the time, so stay at home moms must have lots of time to themselves. Their houses should be clean because, well, they have lots of time to clean it, because, duh, they're at home. I'm sort of a domestic goddess type, so I thought that stay at home momming would be pie in the sky. I love cooking, baking, gardening, sewing, art, etc. Unfortunately, there is little time for such delights. My house is constantly cluttered. I stay up way too late trying to fill orders for Sew Yummy. My garden is ridiculously overgrown. I cook because I have to. My kids are happy though.

So, after seeing Oprah and realizing that I could too easily make a devastating mistake if I continued the lifestyle I was living (leave it to Oprah to change my life, right? haha), I started back into a book I recently picked up. The Shack. I haven't read for pleasure in months. I read the Economist every week. I read some random magazines here and there. I haven't had time to read real books. Well, I picked up the Shack and have been enthralled. Reading about the tragedies of one man's life, and how he met God in a new and real way that showed him just how loved and cared for he is. How loved we all are. Okay, I don't agree with all of the theology of it all, but that's besides the point.

That night Mark and I talked and talked. Well, I mostly cried and he mostly listened. There is little we can do about our house project right now. We aren't going to halt it. We need to finish it. So, we must ask for help and see if we can hire out some of it that makes sense. I am going to stop unnecessary Sew Yummy work for now. I am going to try to ask for help when I need it, being more direct rather than roundabout (thanks BS girls!). There's not much more I can cut out, but I am going to be more aware of what I do and don't do. I will try be present where I am, not thinking ahead too much.

Torin just awoke. My 40 minutes to myself for the day is done. Time to go. I do love love love my boys and being with them every day is a privilege I don't want to sacrifice for a day job.